Anyone whose been pricing out housing in the U.S. today realizes a couple of things:

1)    It ain't cheap.

2)    The further you are from an actual city, the less pricey it becomes.

President "Two votes short of Mayor of Crazytown", along with NASA are proposing to turn this country around by spending $104 billion dollars to go back to the Moon and getting it all set up for private enterprise to get in on the works.

According to MSNBC, the goal here is "to start human settlement of the moon by 2020." At the same time, Space Cadet Bush will be getting us all off the oil teat by 2018. Hydrogen cars and moon condos. Boy howdy, toss in a few robot butlers and we're all FINALLY going to be living in Monsanto's "World of Tomorrow" from the 1964 World's Fair.

NURTZ has some concerns about commuting time though, and, unless WiFi undergoes some serious ramp up in the years to come, home officing doesn't really look like an option.

Between now and then though, we can look forward to amazing entertainments such as Virtual Moon Tours ("The NEXT BEST Thing to actually standing in a stark, bleak blasted endless landscape of dust piles and craters!!"), rock solid investment opportunities such as "for pay" telescopes on Malapert Mountain ("your five minutes are up, please insert another quarter") and mining for lunar helium-3, recognized far and wide as your basic high efficiency fuel for fusion reactors (that don't exist) and the stuff that makes the cool "vooosh!" sound in Jedi light sabers.

NURTZ sort of misses the days of green cheese.

While Lent seems an irrelevant anachronism, Mardi Gras just keeps gaining stature year after year, as does the good ol' US of A... well, maybe not stature, but girth, certainly.

While NURTZ isn't going to be tossing out any cheap beads this morning, we're more than happy to hurl a few news nuggets regarding just HOW fat Tuesday is.

I Hear America Chewing. According to this MSN article, 6 out of every 10 adults in the country falls into the "overweight" category. Of course, seemingly a bajillion of us ballooned into the obese classification overnight when the CDC redefined the standards in 1998. For added fun, click here for an interactive map that shows just how blimpy YOUR state has grown in 20 years.

Bip Gets Buff. Everyone's favorite vulcanized pitchman, Bip - the Michelin tire man, has been off the charts for a couple of years, but now he's back... a lean, mean advertising machine.  The Sun reports that someone's been off burning rubber for the past eight years in order to "reflect more health-conscious times." Like most celebrity news, NURTZ is including before and after pictures so that everyone can make caustic remarks about Bip's previous flab.

"Glandular Problem" and "Big Boned" Are Passé Excuses. Science, always on the look-out to generate big bux, spends an inordinate amount of time studying why people can't stop eating, or at least helping to come up with new excuses. The latest ideas being batted around are that either microbes or viruses are to blame. Yupperdoo - depending on what sort of bugs are parked in your stomach, you're either going to break down the doors at Cinnabon's or go for a walk. Here's a picture of a fat mouse and a link NURTZ offers up as the pure-dee veritas to what we're saying.

We're Busting Out the Doors! According to this article, Columbia's waistline is beginning to impact the furniture biz. Restaurants in particular are starting to demand larger chairs and tables, since, no busboy on the planet wants to have to grease up a patron's thighs with butter in order to pop said diner out of a too-small chair. It's not just chairs either. Plumbing manufacturers like Kohler are starting to super size toilets as well.

As Cities Sprawl, So Do the People. "People who don't like to exercise move to the suburbs," so sez Professor Lawrence Frank of the University of British Columbia. The shorthand here is that suburb communities that are nothing but spaghetti streets and residences leave no one a REASON to walk anywhere. Folks living in a mixed use environment, with gridlike street layouts tend to walk to the store, entertainment or whatever, whereas, folks in the sticks tend to have to DRIVE to find anything. Not to mention, current covenants and building restrictions placed on most new suburban communities leave little visual appeal for anyone just wanting to go for a stroll. "Oh goodie, another house that looks exactly like the LAST house I walked past."

So, there you have it. We're growing as a nation. Don't lose any sleep over it though, according to another study, sleep deprivation could be a contributory factor to obesity as well. Oh, yeah, McDonalds, the constant target of millions of pointing fingers is considering putting out a Happy meal for adults that is calorie conscious, comes in a box decorated with slogans advocating personal responsibility and comes with a FREE PEDOMETER as a prize.

Of course, tomorrow being the beginning of Lent, you COULD give up food for a few weeks.

There's no such thing as old news on the internet - well, there IS, but pretend this report didn't really come out in 2005 and NURTZ is just NOW stumbling across it, okay?

It seems that a Japanese artist named Shusaku Arakawa has been advancing the theory that as long as the mind and senses are constantly stimulated, the old internal clock won't wind down.

At first blush, it makes darned good sense. He goes on to say, "They should be in an environment that stimulates their senses and invigorates their lives." Again, no argument here. Mouldering on the porch wondering if your kids will visit today is a quick trip to Worm City, in our opinion.

However.

Living out your golden years in a home with erratically sloping floors, hidden light switches you have to grope around for, a glass door so small you have to crawl through it and NO closets, may not be the sort of stimulation you're looking for. Surprisingly, a small complex of these apartments went on sale in October, 2005 with a champagne pricetag of $754,000.


Arakawa had already incorporated most of these ideas in an amusement park 10 years earlier. According to this article: "The popular tourist spot consists of attractions designed to throw people off balance, made up of warped surfaces and confusing directions. Visitors often fall -- but so far nobody has sued."

NURTZ believes Japan needs more lawyers.

Don't bother to learn Danish, folks - they're not coming.

The Danish Broadcasting Corporation reports that tourism in America is down by one fifth, which, translated into term that matter, cost "The Grumpiest Nation on Earth" 20,000 jobs.

Ever since Bush launched "Operation Piss off the Planet" not only have fun-seeking Middle Easterners stopped pestering Disneyland for brochures, Europeans (you know, the kind of tourists we LIKE), Asians, Australians - hell, EVERYONE is heading elsewhere.

According to the Aftenposten, "long, slow and inquisitorial process that now greets arrivals" is to blame. NURTZ assumed it was the horror stories previous visitors brought home regarding the horror that is Branson, Missouri.

Danish Travel Bureau Director Jan Lochard was quoted, "People experience the USA as a difficult land to visit, and it is not very pleasant being met by armed guards, demands of photo and fingerprints and a barrage of questions". I suppose that depends on what your idea of pleasant is.

Personally, if immigration and customs for visitors to "America - Home of the Shoe Inspection" is even HALF as interesting as dealing with airport security, I can't see WHAT the beef is.

NURTZ advocates a mass distribution of old "Andy Griffith" shows to every national broadcasting system in Europe. Oh, and getting Barney Fife costumes for all immigration officials... it's immersive theater!

Just in time for VD, Wet-Blanket Emeritus of Rutgers University, Helen Fisher is making the rounds to explain that Love makes people gibbering idiots, which might go a long way towards explaining both Google's Valentine tag:

as well as Lou Dobbs' concern about DUG use in the United States.

According to Professor Buzzkill, "You're feeling intense romantic love, you're willing to take big risks, you're in physical pain, obsessively thinking about a person and you're struggling to control your rage. You're not operating with your full range of cognitive abilities. It's possible that part of the rational mind shuts down," in a mildly amusing but overly boring article in yesterday's edition of the Wall Street Journal.

The article went on to say that "Studies in Italy looking at blood levels of the brain chemical serotonin have suggested that love and mental illness have much in common". HELLO!!! Does the term "Fatal Attraction" ring any bells here?


So, between exchanging embossed 100% rag card stock with cute pictures of love muscles on it, all you young lovers might take time out from driving each other nuts to wonder about the fate of both Googe and DUG, on this, the most desperate day of the year.

Want to really show that special someone you care this Valentine's Day? Convince them NEVER ever to have sex again!

A cursory glimpse at third paragraph lead line of this article will convince you that the Untied States is willing to pay you cold hard CASH!!!  to think about baseball, or build a Pinewood Derby racer or go looking for a Dime store rather than looking for a good time.

"More than $1 billion in federal aid has been poured into state-run abstinence-only programs" - SF Chronicle

Since it seems that the Chronicle is one of those "old school" newspapers that actually fleshes out stories with facts and other irritants, NURTZ was disappointed to discover that said "abstinence-only" programs WEREN'T citizen task forces that hide in the bedroom closet and leap out screaming "HEY! CUT THAT OUT!" at the critical moment, or spray fire hoses into parked car windows when the interior gets too steamy.

They don't even show those horrifying venereal disease movies that were SO popular with our boys back in (The BIG one) WWII.

Still, the good news here is that the Feds have earmarked another $241 million for abstinence in 2007, so NURTZ advocates that EVERYONE start taking cold showers and reading Tristan Shandy. By the end of the year, when you're all pent up and cranky and the government census guy comes around to ask you how your sex life is going, tear his head off and scream, "NURTZ said NOT TO!"

We'll be happy to kick back a few bucks once we receive that big government payoff!

NURTZ is sorry to report on another traffic accident caused by faulty technology. It seems that a Ford Focus left the factory equipped with Trash Bags, rather than Air Bags.

A simple 5mph collision with a Ford Explorer, the curb and finally a concrete flowerpot deployed the trash bags, with this result:

America's favorite imp from Hell has issues with tomatoes, or chambermaids, or manual labor, or something. In an attempt to explain the Bush proposal for amnesty/open borders to a gaggle of Republican women at a luncheon on Thursday, Karl the Stinkbug explained the benefits as follows:

"I don't want my 17-year-old son to have to pick tomatoes or make beds in Las Vegas."

That statement is so rife with subtext that NURTZ spent the rest the afternoon ignoring the big Friday Jumble and analyzing this sentence for it's true core meaning. A quick Google on the internet revealed no Karl Rove/tomato connection, other than a reference to "tomato-can syndrome". Additionally, Rove's son is 19, which means that either Karl is pretty unclear on how old Andrew is or he accidentally referred to something occurring below the radar.

Since conspiracies, shadow governments and secret cabals are much more fun than reality, NURTZ quickly concluded that the ever widening gulf between the Bush Administration and conservative lawmakers on the issue of undocumented workers MUST be in regards to a forced labor plan - aimed at both getting America's youth back on track (work ethic, weight loss, appreciation of America's former agricultural roots), as well as supplying Casinos, sweat-shops and agribusiness with even cheaper labor than the current tide of Latin Americans supposedly flooding our borders.

With everyone and their brother touting the marvels of "The Web.2" - the ease and rapidity with which one can place content out there for the entire world to see - as well as the new technologies to guide the potential audience to said content, it seems as if no one is asking WHY it's necessary to post it in the first place.

Case in point.

While NURTZ appreciates a party photograph illustrating that not EVERYONE is good at drinking, one can't help but wonder how Mister Tenderstomach feels about having his least sophisticated moment ever posted on the global highway.

While poking around for something worth writing about, the crack NURTZ team came across this website, that illustrates - well, we're not sure what, other than some people worry about the oddest things.

Oh wait, HERE we go:

"In the United States, no official source is keeping a complete national record of theme park accidents. And in many U.S. states, including Florida, theme parks are not legally required to report accidents involving injury to anyone. "

Gee, do you suppose that it's because we're already up to our necks in official busybody-dom?

I'm not too sure what the point of such an endeavor is, and if such information is used in planning WHERE to go for a vacation or where NOT to go.

I assume it depends on your perspective.

Reading through the reports, a couple things come to mind.

1. People are inherently clumsy.
Peter Pan's Flight in Orlando was closed because some cottontop managed to miss the boat and wound up underneath the boat. Okay, in the FIRST place - you really want your obit to read that you croaked on "Peter Pan's Flight"? Mister Toad's Ride Ride is better than that. Another example is some girl who cut her foot on "Woody Woodpecker's Nuthouse Coaster". Someone should have told that child the proper use of coasters.

2. Roller Coasters are scary.
The number of people having heart attacks on a roller coaster is mind boggling. And they're not even true death traps like the old days when they were made out of wood that had been rained on, snowed on, warped, sunblistered and inherently creaky. I miss the Wildcat at the old Elitch Gardens - you could die just yawning.

3. A lot of rides have really stupid names.
Mission: Space? Why not call it, 20 minutes of tedium? Atlantis Adventure (Journey through the folk-psych stylings of Donovan!) Storyland Canal Boats? Kill me now.

Razor Sharp Reporter: Presidents may not be able to predict the weather or change the weather, but is there anything that the President has been either briefed on about the current cold wave across the country, or any federal resources that are being brought to bear?

Equally "On the Ball" White House Press Secretary: I don't know. I'll find out.

A seemingly asinine question from an idiot reporter at yesterday's press briefing revealed that the President - leader of the free world - commander in chief - guy with his finger on the button, etc.; has no idea what the weather is like outside.

Additionally, it seems as though no one in the current administration has a clue as to what to do in regards to a federal response towards the current cold wave in the eastern half of the country.

NURTZ advocates setting up a Department of Mittens.

NURTZ will happily head up this new administratory department, and if posted, will not only oversee mittens, but pin notes on all citizens needing same.

Ralph Nadar, who has seemingly made a career out of being a wet blanket, released a new book called "17 Traditions". While we're not holding our breath to see it if rockets to the top of the bestseller list, the NURTZ crew where impressed at coming up with such a simple idea for a book. I mean, come on!! Everyone can make list of stuff and then expound on it - for example, in the past five minutes, NURTZ has completed the following 17 traditions using the same criteria the Consumer Crusader used.

1. Stand there and hold the tools.
When we were kids, my brother and I were often asked to help my Dad "work on the car", which consisted of watching him work and occasionally handing him a wrench or something. To this day, both of us approach work this way. You get to be dictatorial AND have a forced audience.

2. Beat the crap out of suckerfish.
Fishing with the old man was like a wilderness survival trek. He was a stream fisherman and liked to hike way up into the back country to fish for the "big" trout. Occasionally, he'd hook a suckerfish - a bottom feeder that also ate trout eggs. Dad would go berserk, throwing it against rocks and pounding its head to a pulp with the back of his fishing knife. Not only is it a fun tradition, it drives any other fisherpersons in the vicinity far, far away.

3. Make sure there are enough cigarettes for company.
Before everyone wanted to live forever, only Jack Lalanne didn't smoke. There seemed to be inlaid boxes and trays and containers of smokes all over the house. It's a good tradition to hang on to, as it creeps most guests out these days.

4. Always have a dictionary at the dining room table.
As we all know, dinner table conversation usually revolves around the use and pronunciation of words. I still keep a dictionary at hand, even when I'm eating cold pizza over the kitchen sink. Just because you live alone doesn't mean you need to let your standards slip.

5. The oldest mows, the youngest rakes.
Families should always be run off this rule. The oldest child will have the most intellectual abilities, so they should have the task of actually pulling the cord that starts the lawnmower. As the siblings descend in age - they are invariably stupider, but more capable of handling simple, arduous chores such as raking the lawn, shoveling the walks, washing the dishes and lifting anything at the direction of their older, smarter sibling.

6. Don't upset your mother
Fathers assume you're a horrible person. Mothers believe you're angels. Therefore, as long as you don't shatter your mother's illusions, you can get away with murder.

7. Don't touch your father's stuff.
He might need it. Chances are, even if he hasn't used something in 14 years, the second you pick it up and put it down somewhere else - he HAS to have it.

8. It doesn't matter if you don't like it.
Your mother took the effort to cook it, so you'll eat it. This principle works well in facing such things in adulthood as, having a drink with your boss, office parties and trying to get the IT department to fix something for you. In other words - suck it up with all the phony graciousness you can muster.

9. That's for company!
Anything interesting, delicious, fun or nice that you happen to come across ISN'T for you. As you go through your life, you will discover that this is always the case.

10. If no one saw it - it didn't happen.
In adult cirlces, this is known as plausible denial. Kidhood... you got away with it!

11. Never squeal on your siblings
No matter how much you may hate each other, you need to be united in the face of the common enemy. As a kid, it will be your parents, as an adult, more than likely - your spouses.

12. If you don't eat the crackers - take 'em with you.
My Mom could probably have survived for a week on the crackers, bread sticks, complimentary mints, butter pats and sugar packets in her purse. Hey, you PAID for 'em, didn't you?

13. Things don't just HAPPEN
This isn't some sort of fatalist mantra. It's an axiom to have a good story at hand no matter what happens. Even today, I find that "this guy came in the window and started messing with my stuff" works quite well.

14. Don't go in there unless you're invited.
Seriously, wait for the invitation. The first time I was invited to go into the ladies room by a drunk bridesmaid, I had some of the best "most of our clothes on" stall humping EVER!

15. Wallpaper and window putty are not things to pick at.
As a kid, boredom strikes at any time. That teeny flap of loose wallpaper or slowly rolling up window putting while the adults are yakking about whatever is only momentary fun. The consequences when they discover what you're doing just aren't worth it. As an adult - that's why you bought the Blackberry, okay?

16. Don't play with the vacuum
When you're little, you could lose a hamster - as an adult, you could REALLY damage lil' Elvis.

17. If you keep picking at it, it won't heal.
Scabs, broken hearts, trauma, whatever. Let it the fuck alone!

Wasn't that more enjoyable than plopping down $24.95 for some tedious tome written by a guy who probably hasn't laughed since 1964?

Feel free to send us dough now.

Science never sleeps! (At least, in America). Reports around the country of a seemingly flu-like virus that exhibits "explosive" diarrhea among it's symptoms, prompted the CDC to go microbe hunting and LOOK WHAT THEY FOUND!!

A case of bad communication, mistaken identity and typically over-zealous behavior by the L.A.P.D. led to Bigfoot's arrest only moments after his or her arrival in the City of Angels.

As NURTZ reported Friday, Creative Artists agency had extended an offer of representation to the mysterious creature. Overjoyed at the sudden turn of affairs in an otherwise mundane existence, the Sasquatch caught a ride on a lumber truck somewhere in the Cascades and quickly found his or her way to Hollywood.

Soon after being dropped off in front of world-famous Graumann's Chinese Theater, Bigfoot approached a group of tourists studying the sidewalk. Due, in all likelihood to the moneybelt he wore over his should looking remarkably like a utility belt, several Japanese tourists started muttering "wookie!... wookie!" to our rural friend. Sad to say, "wookie" in Sasquatchese is a less than classy term for a portion of female anatomy and Bigfoot naturally to affront to being called a wookie by a group of strangers.

Things escalated from there, with Bigfoot gamely continuing to ask for directions to Creative Artists Agency, which due to language barriers came out as:

"ArrrRAGgaROO! Guk guk grrrReeble oooter!!"

The tour guide figured that he was dealing with yet another Hollywood street crazy dressed as Chewbaca and pan handling for money. After using his cell phone to call the police, he stepped between the furry star-to-be and the tourists he was responsible for. Violating local concepts of personal space, the guide received a head-butt from the big guy (or gal).

Before long, L.A.s finest was on the scene, the Sasquatch was cuffed and loaded into a cruiser, booked as a wookie and chucked in the drunk tank.

CAA was unavailable for comment.

We at NURTZ can only wonder if this is a black eye or a feather in the cap for the homely recluse's career. We'll keep you updated.

Mega talent agency Creative Artists Agency inked a deal in absentia to represent legendary recluse, Bigfoot. Current A-List Agent Sue Schlomosky was quoted in the Hollywood Reporter as saying:

"We really like Bigfoot's style, although the whole low profile business is starting to become detrimental to his or her career."

CAA's first move was to trademark Bigfoot's name and likeness.

"We can move Bigfoot's career in a couple of directions at this point," Schlomosky stated. "The 'Quatch' is a natural for daytime television - either as a kid show host, ala 'Barney' or as a talk show anchor, vis Oprah."

NURTZ, while wishing Bigfoot all the success in the world, if he or she even exists, but feels this announcement reveals more about the current moribund state of the entertainment industry than it does the Q rating of cryptozoological beasts.

"Across the board, broadcast television and motion pictures are quickly sinking faster than Yahoo Serious' career," entertainment investment analyst Ted Schleimann told NURTZ in an exclusive interview. "The market potential of mysterious creatures is 'iffy' at best. While the Hit-and-run appearances of the Hoan Kiem turtle in the late 90's and early 2000's created a hell of a buzz in southeast Asia, similar ventures of strange unknown critters in America just don't generate the same sort of heat."

Aside from Bigfoot, other fantastic denizens of the ether seem to have completely disappeared from the public consciousness. Wally Stein, weekend editor for the World Weekly News, confirmed NURTZ' suspicions:

"In the past year, our worst selling issues have featured either Chupacabre, the Jersey Devil or Lizard Men. Aliens are still a hot button, but the real sizzle is found in anything featuring 'World's Fattest...' in the title."

Not surprizingly, CAA sent out a press release late on Friday headlined, "World's Fattest Sasquatch to Appear on Oprah!"

We've all heard the story before - beloved celebrity leads a secret life of excess that eventually boils to the surface, from Fatty Arbuckle to Lindsay Lohan, our idols are set up only to be taken down.

Today, the Puxatawny town fathers gave Phil the boot after he showed up late, drunk and abusive. Instead of predicting the weather by looking for his shadow, the dissolute rodent screamed into the microphone:

"I see a serious rack on that gash in the faux fur... And I predict she'll be doing some knob-slobbin' before two this afternoon!"


The shocked response from the crowd seemed to enrage Phil further and he began a tirade of unrelenting fury on the townsfolk and reporters.

"I predict you all are a pack of pathetic dorks if you need to stand around freezing your peckers off waiting for me to see my shadow! Christ!! I've been on a two day binge! You're lucky I can see the goddamned podium!"

Security officers quickly hustled the disgruntled woodchuck back to his trailer while reporters surrounded Groundhog Day officials and asked for comment. The official line given to the media was that Phil had been terribly upset by the publication of "Groundhog Stays Up Late" - a lurid account of his various nocturnal escapades that had only served to intensify his drinking and drug use.

"We've pleaded with Phil to go into rehab, but you know how it is, he'd rather listen to his crowd of sycophants. Now that he's hit rock bottom, maybe he'll get the help he so desperately needs!"

Further comment was interrupted when Phil escaped from his trailer, stole a vintage 1958 International Harvester truck and drove straight through the crowd, then peeled off onto Interstate 57, the police in hot pursuit.

Late this afternoon, Puxatawny issued a press release to the media, inviting everyone to join in "Pangolin Day" next year on February 2.