30 March 2007
4 February 2007

Edited by the Elevator.

One of the great things about modern living is getting on an elevator when people are halfway through a conversation. I assume at one point, when buggy whips and spats were all the rage, people used to pause in the middle of a conversation, just in case whatever they were talking about might offend someone trapped in the same car... but not THESE days! Nope, riding the elevator is almost worth the price of going to work.

When NURTZ has collected enough of these gems to bother making a column out of them, we will. And, so... we DID.


Guy 1: Whatchoo want for dinner?
Guy 2: You want to be a wizard?


The difference between you and a genius is, when a genius does something, people say, "HOW did he do that?' When you do something, people say, "WHY did he do that?"


Girl to guy yawning: "Don't do that, it's contagious!"
Yawning guy: "So's gonorrhea."


Old Guy: I don't get this rap thing. Why do they all dress like Jerry Lewis?


Lady: What floor do you want?
Guy: What floor do you got?


You know what I miss? I miss the sun.


When I was little, I dreamed of being a rock star. Now I'm excited if a bran muffin does what it's supposed to.


Guy 1: I miss parsley
Guy 2: You're not supposed to EAT the garnish, numb nuts.


Chick 1: Sometimes I worry about getting stuck in one of these things.
Chick 2: Maybe you should lose some weight, then.


I don't celebrate Christmas because I'm Pagan, but I REALLY hope he gets me that coat anyway.


I can't believe those fuckers took my car! It's not MY fault I didn't make the payments.


Guy 1: The streets were horrible on the way in.
Guy 2: Tell me about it. I took the bus and even the driver freaked out. At Broadway, he screamed, "If you folks don't settle down and shut up, I'm going to personally kick the shit out of each and every one of you!"


Girl 1: So we upgraded to Office 2003 and every time I do anything those dumb wizards start popping up.
Girl 2: I know! I wish I knew how to get rid of 'em!
Helpful Eavedropper: With a wand?


Guy 1: It was really good... it had...  um...  brain fart!
Guy 2: Kevin Spacey?
Guy 1: No... God, why can't I remember his name?
Guy 2: Kevin Bacon?
Guy 1: No
Guy 2: Sorry, I'm out of Kevins.


Friendly Guy: How are you this morning?
Not Friendly Guy (staring at the floor indicator lights): GOD! I miss New York!


Whangstah: I just playin' the dozens and then so then she's ALL up in my face... biotch!
Friend: Um, you DO know you're white, right?


Guy 1: ...and THEN she dropped the "L Bomb" on me! It was really uncomfortable.
Guy 2: I wouldn't know. I'm not loveable.

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